Beautiful And Terrible

April 21, 2011

What a beautiful world it is when what saves us is worse than what kills us.

All these coping mechanisms, designed to carry us when nothing else will…. Leaving us defenseless, unaccustomed to the bright lights beyond our bedroom windows. We quake with righteous fear, and we break like china, shivered to pieces at the slightest of earthquakes.

Panic attacks. That’s what I get. My mind tells my body something terrible is happening, all that saved up thunder attacking when it’s finally not applicable. All that righteous anger, righteous fear shaking my body, taking my breath. Making me run without running. Beautiful and terrible, energy spilling through me, nauseating in its power, dangerous and proud. And I am powerless.

Beautiful and terrible, like a funeral or birth.