To whom it may concern…

November 8, 2011

I want you to never give up on me. No matter how hurtful or selfish I become. I want you to stay, no matter how unbearable I am to you. I want you to love me. No matter how much I disgust you. No matter how much I burden you or disappoint or embarrass you.

And when I ask you if you can do that for me, I want you to say ‘no’. But only because it’s clear to you I will never be those things and, if I was those things, it would mean I had become someone you didn’t know. Someone unworthy of your time.

I want you to let me care for you. Let me strengthen all your weakened walls. Let me build a citadel to hide away the light of your exquisite individuality. And then I want you to tear it down, to remind me that I need you just as much as you need me.

I want you to drown me in the waters of our love. Smother me in you. And when I am overwhelmed and weary, I want you to breathe life into me. I will return the favor, the life-debt. I will praise you as my treasure and keep you like a secret.

I promise you these things.

Please don’t go…

Self Portrait

November 4, 2011

I’m not as smart as I think I am. And I doubt very much that anyone will disagree. I find peace and structure in believing that things are better than they are. I try to find the best in people, to give them the benefit of the doubt. But, secretly, that’s only so I don’t feel like a hypocrite when I do that for myself as well. The truth is, the scale of my life is so so insignificantly small that, were you to project it as a still image against a wall, it would only be a few shades of the same single color. Yellow. The flag of cowards.

Introspection can only really do so much… After only a little while the world begins to wear your shadow. And then what is left but to ponder yourself? Bathe in your various ignorances and regrets?

Silence is not reflective in this state. It is only the absence of study.

A lonely boy writing a rarely read blog about himself… Clever, isn’t it? If only I could major in Pathetic…

self portrait copy