Am I Alone?

April 24, 2012

There is too much darkness here. These halls seem neverending and so humid and cold. They stink of rot. The creaking of weary floorboards and the cursing sounds I make are all that keeps me awake and moving. I am hungry and sore and so tired… If I die I pray that I die outside of these walls. But there is no way out. Or no way that I can see. Perhaps I suffer from night-blindness. Or perhaps I fear the light.

But I am no monster to be host to the darkling world and I will not suffer this much longer. Or so I beg beneath my breath. And these halls whisper my words back into my mouth. There is no way out. But I cannot stop, or monster I most surely would become. Am I alone?

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The delirium ghost projects waves on my walls. Sleep is a homeless and beggarly voice that cries ‘Mercy!’ only when I breathe out in long sighs. I am awake. I am uncomposed, ill prepared and overexposed, like film badly shot. I am the weight of paper, stacked high in boxes. I am light reflected in the mirror.

I am hasty retreat down the path prior walked with such certainty. A am my own footprints, only now shallower, harder to follow. I am robot psychology, collected to correct my nature of sin. I am broken branches gathered eagerly for summer fires. And I burn. I am a break in the fence.

And you are the beautiful burden. You are the crippled wings of birds who tilt wildly at windows that never break. You are the siren and the flashing lights. You draw attention to my violent wreck, my criminal conscience. You are the din of crowds as they gather to mourn or to celebrate life. You are the hush before rain and the shimmer on the windshields of passing cars. You are every color. You are gorgeous, weighty light. You are my silhouette.

Here is a loveless place, but I tried anyways. Here you took my hand and followed, but I led us only to our deaths. The briar patch, the cliffs, the patient, gnawing ocean. I’ll never know if we jumped or only fell. I wish neither. I wish we flew like nameless lights in the sky. I wish we found a way to fall and never stop. But we have hit that surging shoreline and our bones will never let us walk again. We are complete…